My Fear....

I realized recently that for the last 2-1/2 years, since we started figuring out things with J, (or even possibly much longer) I've spent a LOT of time mentally on the defensive.

For a decade, I've had the kids in the family who are different.... when everyone else's children are happy to see people and readily say hello and give hugs, with mine, you never quite know what you'll get.  Sometimes my youngest even hits and kicks my husband's mother. Way to win points with grandma there, J. She already thinks we're giant parental screw-ups, so that should seal the deal.

For a decade, I've had the kids at school who don't quite fit... when everyone else made friends who they have sleepovers with or spur of the moment playdates, mine have found it difficult to move beyond just "see them at school" friends and none of them, except maybe the oldest just NOW at age 10, have what I would call a true friend right now.

For a decade, I've had the kids whose behavior sometimes makes it seem like I haven't bothered to teach them basic manners. Despite constant reminders, they often don't remember to acknowledge someone when they walk in a room. They have to be reminded to say hello to people who speak to them. Our middle one right now, at 7, can barely speak to anyone for more than half a second without turning his head away and speaking to the wall, if he speaks at all.

I absolutely adore my children the way they are and I understand them.... but it's hard sometimes to see other kids who do all the above things at a typical age and in a typical way just having picked them up from living and breathing and being out in the world.  I worry there are people who won't take the time to see past the fact that one of my kids might scowl at them when they say hello long enough to see who they really are -- funny, sweet, kind, interesting, and smart little people.

I try to stop my thought process when it starts sentences with "I wish they were..." or "Why can't they just be like..." It's wrong. They are who they are and they do things in their own time and I KNOW that and I've LIVED that. But as a mom, it's hard to watch them be the kids who are sometimes challenging for other people to readily like or understand. (right now, I am thinking mainly of the younger two.... B has always seemed to endear himself to people even if he drives them kind of insane sometimes)

So I feel like I spend a lot of time on guard and ready to defend both them and myself from criticism, verbalized or not, real, or imagined. I want to shout from rooftops, "You don't understand.... it's an autism thing! It's an ADHD thing! It's an anxiety thing."

But then it all feels like an excuse --- which brings me to something else I've recently realized.... that for a couple years now, I've been holding my breath with each provider visit, evaluation, and team.... waiting for someone to say  "Oops! Well, we thought it was ASD, but we were wrong! It's actually your fault.  Turns out, he's just REALLY bad. Sorry about that. Good luck!" Sometimes even I feel like it looks that way... that it's "user error", so to speak....

And sometimes I wonder if it IS my fault.... where did I go wrong? Am I not consistent enough? Was I too lenient and hands off with J because he was my third? Did I not do a good enough job exposing them to things when they were babies?  I feel like I did... but what if I didn't?  What could I have changed? Was I bad example to them? Did we not have enough people over? Did I not get out of the house enough to show them what it means to be social? Would things be different if B had gotten all the help J did? Would it have put us on a better, easier path? Were they really just born exactly the people there are and I couldn't have done much to change it, even armed with all the information and early intervention at my disposal?

It hasn't helped that there has always been some disagreement on the part of the people who work with J whether there really is any problem. Talk about frustrating. Nothing will make you second guess yourself more than an adult professional with a psychology degree telling you they don't see an issue... even when three other ones say they do.  I know what my gut says and I know whose opinions I trust the most.... but still.... really? The rest of you don't see it? How?

I've read and read and read until I can't read another word about discipline, and parenting boys, autism, ADHD, anxiety. I know all the right things to do. This SHOULD be working. I look at other parents and sometimes feel like they make it look easy....so  why is it so hard for me?

I don't have answers.... only questions.... so many questions.  Nature... nurture... both?

I'm tired. And beaten down. And did I mention, tired? :(  I think I've changed one too many pairs of poopy underwear this week...

It's Complicated.....

So, our middle son, S....

As I have said before, I worry about him more than the other two. Though things improved academically last year with a better understanding of his issues, some school interventions, and medication for ADHD, there was still something OFF that could not be explained by straight-forward ADHD. 

At the risk of looking like paranoid diagnosis-acronym-collecting parents, we made an appointment for him this summer with the same psychologist who saw B and J.  My husband and I had talked at length about it and felt like certain things were getting worse and also that we just needed SOME way to explain some of his more perplexing behavior to his teachers and find some solutions to deal with it at home and at school.  Teachers saw it too, so we had lots of support.

A big problem is that he lacks facial expressions in most situations.  Ironic, seeing as how he has always been my biggest ham for the camera. He can turn on a perfect photo smile like nobody's business. But at school or in chaotic situations, his expression is completely flat. Teachers do not know what to do with this, as they tend to think one or all of three things 1) He has no idea what is going on.  2) He doesn't care what's going on.  3) He's unhappy.  In reality, these are true very rarely.  People are always surprised to hear that he's a really content, happy kid at home! 

The testing showed pretty significant deficits in his ability to interpret facial expression and exhibit appropriate expressions of his own. In one test, he couldn't even match different faces that had the same expression.  

Like J, he also has problems with reciprocal conversation and also in understanding how to respond in a social situation... like a friend's subtle request to play. In one test, the psychologist had him playing Legos and made some different hints that she would like to play too, all of which he completely ignored. Then when she finally said, "I want to play Legos TOO!", he scooped up some of the ones he wasn't using, handed them to her and went back to what he was building. 

He also doesn't yet understand social greetings.... saying hello when you enter a room, goodbye when you leave, looking at people when you speak to them.  He also has a really hard time making eye contact, even when reminded. All of these were noted during the testing. 

The good news is that these are ALL things that he can be taught even if they don't come naturally. So that's what we'll be working on and will be cluing his teacher in on how to do the same. 

Yes, he technically ALSO now has a diagnosis of ASD;  BUT, the psychologist cautioned us to take that information with a grain of salt. 

First, it's very mild.  Second, the diagnostic criteria have recently changed to allow it to be diagnosed based on history not current symptoms, which encompasses WAY more people than it ever used to.  She isn't thrilled about that.  

I see positives to it this hough. While I likely will NOT share S's specific diagnosis with school, just knowing the causes of his struggles are in the ASD ballpark helps us understand better how to help and explain to others how to help. So I'm very much okay with it -- way more okay than constantly thinking that there is something up with my child that I just can't put my finger on and don't know how to help him with. 

So that's where we are going into a new school year.  Hoping all this information help us give him a great second grade year and that things really start to come together for him.