Tuesday, August 26, 2014

My Fear....

I realized recently that for the last 2-1/2 years, since we started figuring out things with J, (or even possibly much longer) I've spent a LOT of time mentally on the defensive.

For a decade, I've had the kids in the family who are different.... when everyone else's children are happy to see people and readily say hello and give hugs, with mine, you never quite know what you'll get.  Sometimes my youngest even hits and kicks my husband's mother. Way to win points with grandma there, J. She already thinks we're giant parental screw-ups, so that should seal the deal.

For a decade, I've had the kids at school who don't quite fit... when everyone else made friends who they have sleepovers with or spur of the moment playdates, mine have found it difficult to move beyond just "see them at school" friends and none of them, except maybe the oldest just NOW at age 10, have what I would call a true friend right now.

For a decade, I've had the kids whose behavior sometimes makes it seem like I haven't bothered to teach them basic manners. Despite constant reminders, they often don't remember to acknowledge someone when they walk in a room. They have to be reminded to say hello to people who speak to them. Our middle one right now, at 7, can barely speak to anyone for more than half a second without turning his head away and speaking to the wall, if he speaks at all.

I absolutely adore my children the way they are and I understand them.... but it's hard sometimes to see other kids who do all the above things at a typical age and in a typical way just having picked them up from living and breathing and being out in the world.  I worry there are people who won't take the time to see past the fact that one of my kids might scowl at them when they say hello long enough to see who they really are -- funny, sweet, kind, interesting, and smart little people.

I try to stop my thought process when it starts sentences with "I wish they were..." or "Why can't they just be like..." It's wrong. They are who they are and they do things in their own time and I KNOW that and I've LIVED that. But as a mom, it's hard to watch them be the kids who are sometimes challenging for other people to readily like or understand. (right now, I am thinking mainly of the younger two.... B has always seemed to endear himself to people even if he drives them kind of insane sometimes)

So I feel like I spend a lot of time on guard and ready to defend both them and myself from criticism, verbalized or not, real, or imagined. I want to shout from rooftops, "You don't understand.... it's an autism thing! It's an ADHD thing! It's an anxiety thing."

But then it all feels like an excuse --- which brings me to something else I've recently realized.... that for a couple years now, I've been holding my breath with each provider visit, evaluation, and team.... waiting for someone to say  "Oops! Well, we thought it was ASD, but we were wrong! It's actually your fault.  Turns out, he's just REALLY bad. Sorry about that. Good luck!" Sometimes even I feel like it looks that way... that it's "user error", so to speak....

And sometimes I wonder if it IS my fault.... where did I go wrong? Am I not consistent enough? Was I too lenient and hands off with J because he was my third? Did I not do a good enough job exposing them to things when they were babies?  I feel like I did... but what if I didn't?  What could I have changed? Was I bad example to them? Did we not have enough people over? Did I not get out of the house enough to show them what it means to be social? Would things be different if B had gotten all the help J did? Would it have put us on a better, easier path? Were they really just born exactly the people there are and I couldn't have done much to change it, even armed with all the information and early intervention at my disposal?

It hasn't helped that there has always been some disagreement on the part of the people who work with J whether there really is any problem. Talk about frustrating. Nothing will make you second guess yourself more than an adult professional with a psychology degree telling you they don't see an issue... even when three other ones say they do.  I know what my gut says and I know whose opinions I trust the most.... but still.... really? The rest of you don't see it? How?

I've read and read and read until I can't read another word about discipline, and parenting boys, autism, ADHD, anxiety. I know all the right things to do. This SHOULD be working. I look at other parents and sometimes feel like they make it look easy....so  why is it so hard for me?

I don't have answers.... only questions.... so many questions.  Nature... nurture... both?

I'm tired. And beaten down. And did I mention, tired? :(  I think I've changed one too many pairs of poopy underwear this week...

No comments:

Post a Comment