On Monday, I got to the preschool a few minutes early, as I typically do, so I could sit on the steps near the playground and watch J play. I've done this with all my boys over the years. It's one of only a few opportunities I really get to glimpse their preschool world.
This particular day, I searched the playground, trying to remember what I had dressed him in that morning. Finally, I found him, wandering aimlessly around the little cement court, far away from everyone else. On the main part of the playground, the other children screeched and ran around happily. Some of the little girls skipped by holding hands. Everyone, it seemed, was playing with someone else.... except for J.
He seemed content enough. But it was sad. This is when I really get slapped in the face with how different he can be. At home, it's easier to pretend nothing is all that different about him. When he is among peers, there is no pretending I don't see it after all I've learned the last couple of years.
The school day before that, I showed up and found him playing in the playhouse with his teacher from Infants and Toddlers, who had come for one of her visits. There were two other little boys and at first, they seemed to be all playing together, but when you looked more carefully at the situation, J was only on the outskirts of the game, talking to himself. Occasionally, he would join them in running around the house and going through the tunnel, and then he would tune them out again and do his own thing, while they played in the vicinity.
Again, he was happy, so why am I sad?
I'm sad because his natural inclination is to play alone (except at home with his brothers sometimes). He is always doing his own thing or hanging with me, while other kids are excited to play with each other. It's not that other children don't WANT to play with him. It's that he doesn't know how to play with THEM.
I'm sad because on the surface, the play happening in the latter scenario actually sometimes SEEMS okay and then when you look closely, it's NOT and so few people understand WHY it's not.
I'm sad because I've watched this all play out before with B -- and I am lucky enough (or not?) to have a crystal ball in the form of my 10-year-old son and I can see where this leads without someone to hold his hands teach him the rules other children learn naturally.
You see, if we don't help NOW, eventually, years down the line, he WILL likely care about other kids and their games and he won't know how to enter in, because he didn't pick it up through experience and experimentation when his peers did. He might not able to tell who is even interested in playing with him, or when they don't want to play his game, or if they don't like him. He will not understand what a friend is and may think EVERYONE is a friend... this will lead to some heartbreaking lessons down the road. He will EVENTUALLY figure some of it out, but will always be a little awkward socially, never quite understanding the "rules". We have watched all that and more happen to B...
This is the sort of thing I wish more people grasped about why I worry... and why we work so hard to make sure J gets the help he needs. We have traveled this road before, always knowing there was some kind of disconnect, something different, but not understanding what it really was or what to do to fix it.
I am thankful that with J, we DO understand.
That crystal ball I have also tells me that things will be just fine in the future. J will be okay, just like B is okay.... not without struggles, but definitely okay....
.... and he'll be okay even sooner because of the effort we are putting in NOW.
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