I can count on one hand the number of times I have cried about something related to these kid issues we have been dealing with the last few years. For the most part, I'm pretty matter-of-fact about it all with an "Okay! Let's Google the heck out this and get to work!" attitude.

I remember each and every time I have cried throughout this journey though and it really had been quite awhile... until yesterday.

I had just walked out of a meeting (the one I mentioned in one of the earlier posts) to plan what we were going to request from the county for J in the coming school year. There was a lot of discussion about 4s programs, special education and IEPs, pragmatic speech and social skills.... it all gets so technical and cold and there are SO many pages of paperwork. I have to keep reminding myself that this child they are all discussing is still the same child I know. Nothing has changed. All the special words for everything always make it sound so much worse than it is. How on earth did B make it through without all this?!

Reality check: Like his big brother, J is an amazing, smart, funny little guy who is going to be FINE! He just needs a little help with some things now so life will be easier on down the road.

I get it though. We are tailoring it all to make the best case for getting him the most services we can. I'm learning the rules of the game.... but it's still hard to listen to it all sometimes.

My face must have given away all that was brimming under the surface, because no sooner had I signed the last paper they handed me, than J's teacher jumped up and walked me into another room, shut the door behind us and gave me a huge hug. The floodgates opened.

Then, sitting face to face on a red plastic cube chair with one of the few people who really gets it and has walked this road with us for the last two years, it all came out.

What would happen if we just walked away right now? What would he be like in kindergarten without intervention next year? Why will he struggle in kindergarten? How will teachers see him? What will they think? Will he need an aide? Will he go into a special classroom? Will he be okay with other kids? What would he do? How will he act? Will he be okay academically? How on earth did B get through without any of the help J is getting? HOW?

There are no answers to these questions right now; but just putting them out there gives me some feeling of control back.

I cried for all the answers we don't have.

I cried because it's real now. For two years, he played with teachers and therapists in our home and he was challenging and quirky, but it was kind of fun "work", honestly -- and no one ever said the words, "He has autism." It was real before in that we knew something was different, but NOT real in that we didn't truly know what that was. Part of me held out hope that he would age out of Infants and Toddlers and that would be the end of it.

I cried because I love him the way he is, I don't need to fix him, and a small part of me wants this all to go away.

I cried for B, who didn't get all the help that J is getting and suffered for it later -- all because I didn't listen my instincts that something was wrong.

I cried knowing that it's BECAUSE of B, I HAVE to keep at this with for J.

I cried for the end of this season. Because after J's 4th birthday,  everything is going to change. He'll move into a county preschool setting, most likely. Very different from the home-based services and now small-group we have gotten so comfortable with.  And frankly, I'm about as good with change as my son, which is to say, not so wonderful. So... there's that too.

And I think I just plain needed to cry for awhile.

But I'm good now..... I think. So let's get to work!